We finally signed the divorce papers today. I’d love to say that when I search my feelings I know exactly how I feel about that, but in reality it’s a mixed bag. On the one hand, I’m happy that the struggle is over. On the other, it’s just hard. It’s never easy ending one part of your life. Especially when it’s such a big part. But I guess I feel like Ben Kenobi, taking care of little ones when nobody else can. My daughter is and remains the biggest part of me now. Taking care of her is the most important thing outside of my faith.
The people around me all say things like “I’m sorry” and “If there’s anything I can do,” but I think I’m OK. This has been coming for a long time now, and, as I said, I’m rather relieved about it. We’re not fighting, and there’s no argument over who’s getting what. Of course, we’re still not on the best terms, but we’re also not trying kill each other. I think we both realize that it’s more important that our daughter is taken care of.
Divorce is hard. Some days I catch myself just staring out into the horizon, watching the two suns setting. I think about the way it could have been, the way it should have been. My parents are divorced. My grandparents, both sets, are divorced too. I always swore it would never happen to me. I wouldn’t do what my dad did, what my grandad did – I wasn’t going to cheat. It never occurred to me that I also had to make sure I didn’t marry a cheater. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew how to keep a marriage going. Love was supposed to be enough, but it wasn’t. Or, at least, what I had to offer wasn’t enough. And I guess I’m a little bitter about that.
At some point, I’m going to look back on this and be proud of myself. Unlike my parents, I didn’t struggle with a failing marriage for a dozen years before calling it quits. I was devastated when that happened to them. My daughter, though, will just grow up with it. She’ll adjust, and she’ll do it a lot better than I ever could have. Four years old is a crappy time to have your parents split up, but I guess it beats nineteen. I grew up believing in my parents’ relationship, and when it failed, I lost part of who I was. That won’t happen to Lilbit.
So I guess that’s it. The Clone Wars are are over, and we have both lost and won. The Order is destroyed, but there is a new hope. I just need to have faith.